Building Skills You Normally Learn During Childhood
Many of the skills we use in daily life are developed during childhood, often without conscious effort. From managing emotions to forming healthy relationships, these skills shape our interactions and resilience as adults. However, not everyone has the opportunity to learn them early on. Whether due to adverse experiences, neurodiversity, or other factors, some people find themselves navigating adulthood without the foundation others take for granted. The good news is that it’s never too late to build these essential life skills – through DBT you can learn childhood ckills as an adult.
Why Might These Skills Be Missing?
There are many reasons why someone may not have learned certain skills in childhood. Some common factors include:
- Unstable or traumatic childhood environments – Growing up in a chaotic or neglectful household can make it difficult to develop emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness.
- Neurodiversity – Conditions like ADHD and autism can impact the way individuals pick up social and emotional skills.
- Mental health difficulties – Anxiety, depression, or other mental health conditions can interfere with learning and applying life skills.
- Lack of role models – Some people simply didn’t have caregivers or mentors who could demonstrate these skills effectively.
Regardless of the reason, learning these skills as an adult is entirely possible with the right support, patience, and strategies.
Essential Skills to Build and How to Develop Them
- Emotional Regulation
As children, we often learn to manage emotions through observation and guidance from caregivers. If this skill wasn’t developed, emotions might feel overwhelming or difficult to control.
How to build it:
- Practise mindfulness to increase awareness of your emotions without reacting impulsively.
- Use DBT skills, such as the STOP skill (Stop, Take a step back, Observe, Proceed mindfully), to pause and assess emotions before responding.
- Develop a self-soothing toolkit, including grounding techniques, sensory-based coping strategies, and breathing exercises.
- Effective Communication
Healthy communication is key to building and maintaining relationships, yet many people struggle with expressing themselves clearly or setting boundaries.
How to build it:
- Learn DEAR MAN, a DBT skill that provides a structured way to make requests and set boundaries effectively.
- Practise active listening, ensuring you fully understand what others are saying before responding.
- Start small—practise being assertive in low-stakes situations, such as ordering at a café or asking for help in a shop.
- Distress Tolerance
Children who grow up in supportive environments learn to tolerate distress gradually. If this was not part of early learning, distressing emotions can feel unbearable as an adult.
How to build it:
- Practise TIPP skills (Temperature, Intense exercise, Paced breathing, Paired muscle relaxation) to quickly reduce distress.
- Use radical acceptance to acknowledge and cope with reality, even when it’s difficult.
- Engage in healthy distractions, such as hobbies, puzzles, or movement, to ride out intense emotions.
- Interpersonal Effectiveness
Understanding social cues, maintaining friendships, and navigating conflict are skills often picked up during childhood play and interactions. Without these experiences, social situations may feel confusing or overwhelming.
How to build it:
- Observe social interactions, either in real life or through media, to understand conversational dynamics.
- Practise role-playing with trusted friends or therapists to develop confidence in social situations.
- Join structured groups, such as DBT skills groups, where interpersonal skills are explicitly taught.
- Self-Compassion
Many people who struggle with these skills also experience high levels of self-criticism. Learning self-compassion can make the process of skill-building much easier.
How to build it:
- Challenge negative self-talk with self-validation—acknowledge that learning these skills as an adult is challenging but commendable.
- Practise loving-kindness meditation, directing warmth and understanding towards yourself.
- Seek out supportive communities that reinforce growth and self-acceptance.
The Power of Relearning
The idea of having to learn childhood skills as an adult may feel daunting, but it’s important to remember that growth is always possible. Through patience, self-awareness, and the right strategies, you can develop the emotional and interpersonal skills needed to lead a fulfilling life.
If you find yourself struggling, seeking professional support—such as therapy, DBT skills groups, or coaching—can provide the guidance needed to build these essential skills.
You are not alone, and you are not behind. Your journey is valid, and every step you take towards learning these skills is a step towards a more empowered and fulfilling life.
For more information on
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy
Contact DBT-UK
info@dbt-uk.co.uk | +44 (0) 7541 458 851
